I’ve started this post several times. I haven’t like any version of it, and I’m not sure I’ll like this one (which I started New Years Eve) either. Maybe I should take that as a hint and a half, except that I feel like I need to write this post. Because I feel like some folks will want an explanation. Probably because I hope that someone will want an explanation, that what I am doing will be important to someone. When you get right down to it, that really is the crux of the whole matter, and is one of the reasons why I know that “going dark” is the right decision at this point in time.
Some will remember that I went dark from the end of January 2008 to the end of March 2008. Many of the same factors are very much in play today. Balticon is no longer the burden it once was, but I am still all too susceptible to the “winds of public opinion” in terms of how I view myself. The additional twist to the situation is that I’ve become painfully aware of how much I try to be somebody, where “somebody” appears to be the embodiment of all the things for some reason I feel that I am not, and therefore it is more desirable to be that somebody than just being myself. The wired world makes it all too easy to fan the flames of all those rampant neuroses, and all too easy to spend all of one’s available free time on such a pursuit.
As I wrote in my post two years ago, “rationing” doesn’t really seem to work for me – that requires more willpower and discipline than I currently appear to be able to muster. For me, hopping on Twitter or responding to an e-mail on a discussion list is like an alcoholic walking into a bar with a wallet full of $100 bills. Just like back then, right now I feel like the only effective way to keep this problem in check is to abstain altogether. I’m not happy about it, because I’ve met some truly incredible people on Twitter in particular, and its been the only way that I communicate with them. But I really don’t see an alternative right now… maybe if I get a better handle on who I am, or just get myself to stop trying to be somebody, I’ll be able to come back to Twitter, etc. without it becoming jet fuel for my hang-ups. And maybe not, I don’t know.
This doesn’t mean I’m disappearing off the face of the planet, or that I don’t want people to contact me. I’m not becoming a monk or a hermit, I’m not deleting my Twitter account or anything like that. I just need to be smart for once and not put myself into situations that I know are going to cause me all sorts of problems that at this point in my life I appear to be ill-equipped to handle. If something important happens – good, bad or otherwise – I want to know. If you’re coming to town and you want to meet up, I want to know. But for now it’s going to have to be via e-mail, because I can’t just monitor Twitter and not respond – I’ve pretty much proven that much to myself by now.
I will admit that I’m a little scared as I prepare to “walk away”, “take a break”, “go dark”. I’m afraid that in four or five months time I’ll come face to face with my inability to participate in online communities without feeding my neuroses a banquet. I’m afraid that I’ll ome to the realization that life without participating in online communities is actually a much better experience. I’m afraid that I’ll come back, better prepared to work with my hang-ups and less likely to get sucked into the intakes of my neuroses, and no one will care that I’m back – I’ll be old news, a back issue, a footnote. My inner child has been throwing tantrums ever since I seriously started considering this a few weeks ago, and that is perhaps the most compelling reason to “go dark”. If there is one thing that has started to sink in from all this sitting and studying and practicing, its that if I lean into something and experience a great deal of irrational resistance and turmoil, I’ve probably touched on something that needs attention, a rut where my habitual behaviors and reactions are stuck. It doesn’t make those fears any less real in this moment, but it makes my resolve enough to actually go through with what I feel needs to happen at this point in my life.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying dark this time. Two months gave me a chance to breathe, to catch up, but I don’t think I made much in the way of progress with my head trip. So it is conceivable that I could be “dark” for three or four months, perhaps more. I need to focus my efforts on my physical health, my mental and emotional well being, making sense out of my life post-marriage (including taming the chaos of my living space), and deepening my meditation practice and Buddhist studies. All of these things have suffered from neglect while I’ve sat here in front of this computer indulging my hang-ups on Twitter and a few other online communities, and it is no one’s fault but my own. So now I must “pay for my past indulgences” if you will, and step away from the limelight of social networks and the like, in order to not only restore balance in my life but to lay a foundation for being able to work with these kinds of situations without having to so severely withdraw from the fray.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. It may have been morbid curiosity, it may have been a deep sense of caring, it may have been that which causes us to continue to watch a train wreck even when we’re pretty sure it won’t be pretty. Either way, thank you. I hope to see you again online at some point. If you’re going to Balticon this year, I’ll be there in my role of Benevolent Despot of Operations and Security, and hopefully I’ll se you there. I leave you with a senryu that popped into my head yesterday toward’s the end of a day of community sitting practice; it’s content is not terribly original, but since the words were spontaneous they bear recording.
Mind goes wandering.
Lost and uncertain, gives up,
then comes back to rest.
_/!\_ Namaste _/!\_
