Personal Updates

Updates about me, because of course, it’s all about me.

A day well spent in good company…

August 14, 2010 in Personal Updates by Some Dude | 2 comments

Only a small amount of time was spent in the office Friday. After putting in an appearance to make sure things were moving forward with our impending software release, I went back into town to pick up Tiger. Before we headed down to the Faire site, I got a look at the finished sides of my custom codpieces, and they are absolutely fab-u-lous – the lady does beautiful work, that is a fact. Then it was off to Crownsville, site of the Maryland Renaissance Festival (aka Faire).

Tiger took great delight in the fact that she got to “pop my cherry” as it were, as Friday was the first time I got to drive into the MDRF property proper (it was also the first time I’d been on the property when the Faire wasn’t actually open). I almost forgot to take photos, but on the way back from the “flushies” (real bathrooms on site for use when the privvies are not in place), I remembered:

I’ve never, ever seen the White Hart Tavern empty before – or the main food service area. Yet there they are. The picture of my car is for proof that I actually drove onto the grounds. The weather was quite pleasant for the tasks at hand, with a cool cross-breeze coming now and again, rustling the leaves and stirring up the sawdust. Oh yes, there was sawdust… much sawdust…

The purpose of Friday’s trip was to work on Tiger’s booth as part of preparation for the 2010 season, and I did my usual job of being a second set of hands, eyes, etc. while someone who is more experienced with wood working and other activities directs or does the work. (Note: this is a Good Thing™ in general – I know enough about the mechanics of many things, but lack practical experience / skills, and ’tis better to let someone who does have said practical experience “do the driving” for projects where it counts.)  During the course of the day there we other friends of the Tiger who came by to work, so much was accomplished: curtain rods of Tiger’s devising were installed along with curtains, ribbons were prepared for ribbon-rope on Stub Toe Lane, and the pieces for the new front doors for the booth were cut, routed and sanded in preparation for assembly (Ben did an awesome job making the tenons for joining the top and bottom panels! Thanks to working with Ben, I also have much less trepidation at trying my hand at routing and use of a mitre saw on some of my own projects, so there was much win there as well. Of course, now I need to find a mire saw with laser guide – that was bloody marvelous.) But it got late, so assembly and painting will happen Saturday and Sunday, which I will miss because of other engagements.

Much fun was had, because Tiger has wonderful friends with a great sense of humor (and dirty minds), and because there is something about helping out a friend that makes the time and the work go much faster. I’m really looking forward to seeing the ribbons on Stub Toe Lane, and the new doors on the booth, and a happy Tiger in her home away from home this Fall at Faire. Oh, and to wearing my new ccodpieces and vests, and singing in the White Hart, and just being at Faire.

After several years of not feeling very connected to my fannish / rennie family, this felt like a bit of coming home.

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Two days later, the shakes haven’t quite set in…

January 3, 2010 in Personal Updates by Some Dude | No comments

I decided this morning that I would record my thoughts during this period of “going dark” as private posts, that I would then unlock once I came up for air at the end of my hiatus. Perhaps because I hope that my thoughts might be useful to others as they attempt a similar period of being “unplugged”. Perhaps because I need something to take the edge off lest the shakes really set in… at this moment, I don’t recall how I reacted to going dark the first time, but there is definitely a “jones” going on right now that doesn’t exactly surprise me. If anything, it just underscores that this was the right thing to do.

I came home Friday, January 1 after a day spent amongst friends IRL, and as is my usual wont sat down at my computer. After checking my e-mail, the news, comments on my “be back in a few months post”, and the weather I sat there wondering what else I could do. *twitch* That is in police work what we call a clue. Time for sleep meds, a little Trism to occupy my brain while the sleep meds kicked in, and off to dreamland.

Saturday I slept in. Sat down at the computer as realized I had a bad case of “what the fuck do I do now?” Discussed some things with Nora over IM, went back for a nap, got up and eventually moseyed over to Eric & Michelle’s for MENYGWACON. I chatted, I played games, won at Carcassone and came in close in Alhambra and Gates of Lo-yang (sp?). Came home and realized that I was going to have a period of separation anxiety over this whole going dark thing. I discussed a few more thing with Nora over IM, spent some time with my feathered children, and went to bed.

When I came downstairs this morning, I realized that I needed some kind out outlet, at least for now. I have to write… that is in my blood. And hopefully sometime soon that need will be turned to more creative endeavors as I begin to free myself from the social network addiction that I now must admit to myself. I’ve got a metric ass-load of things that need doing so that I have space to work, both physically and mentally, and so I should hop to it. The real challenge will be to see how long I feel I need to keep doing this kind of mental purge before I can let go of the crutch and take those first wobbly unassisted steps away from the keyboard.

TTFN

Two years later, going dark, again.

January 1, 2010 in Personal Updates by Some Dude | 6 comments

I’ve started this post several times. I haven’t like any version of it, and I’m not sure I’ll like this one (which I started New Years Eve) either. Maybe I should take that as a hint and a half, except that I feel like I need to write this post. Because I feel like some folks will want an explanation. Probably because I hope that someone will want an explanation, that what I am doing will be important to someone. When you get right down to it, that really is the crux of the whole matter, and is one of the reasons why I know that “going dark” is the right decision at this point in time.

Some will remember that I went dark from the end of January 2008 to the end of March 2008. Many of the same factors are very much in play today. Balticon is no longer the burden it once was, but I am still all too susceptible to the “winds of public opinion” in terms of how I view myself. The additional twist to the situation is that I’ve become painfully aware of how much I try to be somebody, where “somebody” appears to be the embodiment of all the things for some reason I feel that I am not, and therefore it is more desirable to be that somebody than just being myself. The wired world makes it all too easy to fan the flames of all those rampant neuroses, and all too easy to spend all of one’s available free time on such a pursuit.

As I wrote in my post two years ago, “rationing” doesn’t really seem to work for me – that requires more willpower and discipline than I currently appear to be able to muster. For me, hopping on Twitter or responding to an e-mail on a discussion list is like an alcoholic walking into a bar with a wallet full of $100 bills. Just like back then, right now I feel like the only effective way to keep this problem in check is to abstain altogether. I’m not happy about it, because I’ve met some truly incredible people on Twitter in particular, and its been the only way that I communicate with them. But I really don’t see an alternative right now… maybe if I get a better handle on who I am, or just get myself to stop trying to be somebody, I’ll be able to come back to Twitter, etc. without it becoming jet fuel for my hang-ups. And maybe not, I don’t know.

This doesn’t mean I’m disappearing off the face of the planet, or that I don’t want people to contact me. I’m not becoming a monk or a hermit, I’m not deleting my Twitter account or anything like that. I just need to be smart for once and not put myself into situations that I know are going to cause me all sorts of problems that at this point in my life I appear to be ill-equipped to handle.  If something important happens – good, bad or otherwise – I want to know. If you’re coming to town and you want to meet up, I want to know. But for now it’s going to have to be via e-mail, because I can’t just monitor Twitter and not respond – I’ve pretty much proven that much to myself by now.

I will admit that I’m a little scared as I prepare to “walk away”, “take a break”, “go dark”. I’m afraid that in four or five months time I’ll come face to face with my inability to participate in online communities without feeding my neuroses a banquet. I’m afraid that I’ll ome to the realization that life without participating in online communities is actually a much better experience. I’m afraid that I’ll come back, better prepared to work with my hang-ups and less likely to get sucked into the intakes of my neuroses, and no one will care that I’m back – I’ll be old news, a back issue, a footnote. My inner child has been throwing tantrums ever since I seriously started considering this a few weeks ago, and that is perhaps the most compelling reason to “go dark”. If there is one thing that has started to sink in from all this sitting and studying and practicing, its that if I lean into something and experience a great deal of irrational resistance and turmoil, I’ve probably touched on something that needs attention, a rut where my habitual behaviors and reactions are stuck. It doesn’t make those fears any less real in this moment, but it makes my resolve enough to actually go through with what I feel needs to happen at this point in my life.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying dark this time. Two months gave me a chance to breathe, to catch up, but I don’t think I made much in the way of progress with my head trip. So it is conceivable that I could be “dark” for three or four months, perhaps more. I need to focus my efforts on my physical health, my mental and emotional well being, making sense out of my life post-marriage (including taming the chaos of my living space), and deepening my meditation practice and Buddhist studies. All of these things have suffered from neglect while I’ve sat here in front of this computer indulging my hang-ups on Twitter and a few other online communities, and it is no one’s fault but my own. So now I must “pay for my past indulgences” if you will, and step away from the limelight of social networks and the like, in order to not only restore balance in my life but to lay a foundation for being able to work with these kinds of situations without having to so severely withdraw from the fray.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. It may have been morbid curiosity, it may have been a deep sense of caring, it may have been that which causes us to continue to watch a train wreck even when we’re pretty sure it won’t be pretty. Either way, thank you. I hope to see you again online at some point. If you’re going to Balticon this year, I’ll be there in my role of Benevolent Despot of Operations and Security, and hopefully I’ll se you there. I leave you with a senryu that popped into my head yesterday toward’s the end of a day of community sitting practice; it’s content is not terribly original, but since the words were spontaneous they bear recording.

Mind goes wandering.

Lost and uncertain, gives up,

then comes back to rest.

_/!\_ Namaste _/!\_

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